Isha

During my pregnancy I found out I was HIV+ and it was a day just before Christmas. I went to my doctor for a check up knowing that I had done an HIV test. I didnt expect the results that day but even though the doctor told me he had my results I was not bothered at all because in my mind I was sure I was negative. The doctor went to take my results as my fiance and I were sitting down waiting. He came back and I could see my fiance panicking as he is the one more emotional than I. the doctor set down as he opened my file and read the results to us. You are HIV+, he said. I didnt say anything in shock as my mind just stopped working at all. My God, I said. My doctor continued to speak and giving us advice and telling my fiance to go test as well. He told me about my CD4 count and viral load of which I didnt even hear what he was saying at the time.

My doctor gave a prescription of is called TRIOMUNE 30, it was a very good medicine he said as it was just introduced and was a combination of the HIV meds. As I said it was just a day before Christmas and you can just imagine the mood everyone is in. I was going driving home that day as I like spending my holidays with my family. I am a kind of person that when I find out about something disturbing I switch off and not even feel hurt over it but when it hits me it really does. I got home and we were all happy to be together as we are a only girls at home (5 girls) and my mother is a single parent which I met only in 2004 Dec, 22 yrs at the time. When I first saw my mother she was really struggling and poor with 3kids as my old sister and I were brought up by my dad. Saying anything to my mother would destroy her as she has a soft heart and all of them basically at home are very fragile compared to me.

I didnt want to spoil the holidays for them really and I was the bread winner at home and still am as I said when I found my mom she was really struggling. The night before Christmas I watched all of them busy up and down preparing for Christmas. Cooking, baking and all that and remember that I was still pregnant at the time therefore they just told me to sit there and relax because we were up and down after my doctors appointment buying everything needed. I remember sitting in the lounge alone whist they were playing gospel music so loud. At home we are all Christians and God comes first. As they were busy in the kitchen I just sat there and listened to the music playing, oh God tears started falling from my eyes as I really thought of this deeply this time, what it meant for my unborn baby, what it meant for my future. I cried, really cried because since I had been told the news I had not responded anyhow. Unfortunately my mom saw me and she asked what is wrong now baby. I couldnt say anything but cry. My sisters came as well and my big sister who understood me better than all of them came as well. She said to them no ma dont worry I know she is only crying because she is in worship because of the songs that they were playing. I couldnt stop crying really and my mom started crying as well, it started to be a very sad moment for us now. Just imagine if they cry only because they saw me cry how much more if they had known what was going within me.

I started taking meds to prevent my baby from getting infected and now she is a beautiful 3mnths old and I am so crazy about her. Eventually my fiance went for a test this year as well and he was HIV+ as I knew already because I knew he gave me that disease as I was a very careful in my past relationships. The good thing is that both our CD4 counts are still fine. Mine is 451 and his 351 but my worry is that I was recently tested for TB and it was positive and now I am on treatment and my fiance is. They gave pills for my baby as well to prevent me from giving it to her. My big worry is that I am a smoker and its very hard for me to stop as I am used into and I tried stopping but I always fail. My fiance smokes as well and this is not good for both of us mostly I with TB I know. My life is just a mess at he moment and with every puff I take I think of my baby and I value her and I grew without my mother and I worry that by smoking I am taking the opportunity of leaving a longer life with my kid. She is my princess and I do everything for her hence I got to stop smoking.

Besides all this I know God is my strength I am not only strong because I can do it but because God gives me strength and He sustains me. He is looking after my baby and he is a God of possibilities and He surpasses all circumstance.

To you all out there please take care of yourselves and know that Greater is God than any disease out there, be strong all the time and know that even the person next door might be living with HIV but you dont know as she doesnt know about you, therefore dont feel sorry for yourself. Live your life and be strong. Be healthy.